A Manifestation of Anxiety
You have to understand that I didn't ask for this - I don't want it. I wouldn't wish this on anyone. I hate this. By 'this,' I mean anxiety, and by anxiety I mean taht's an easy label for the complex web of swirling emotions inside me, but I'm no doctor, ya feel? Here's what I hate today in particular, today I hate the exhaustion, but somehow we get along just fine, it and I. I hate that the human body can only sustain intense negative emotions for so long before it breaks down and stops computing. I hate that my anxiety, anger, frustration, all flare brightly for seconds - sometimes minutes - and then they flicker out and all that I'm left with is a broken feeling and tears and the smoking remnants of faint emotions roiling in my gut. Because the only thing worse than being inexplicably something is being inexplicably nothing. Once I've hit that peak, once that energy's drained, I am well and truly done with everything that's going on until I reset during the night. And I hate it. I do not want it, believe me. I don't want to bee too drained for even my youth group. I don't want to be scrounging up excuses for my mom that make me sound normal instead of like a wuss. I want to enjoy the life I'm living, but in my current state, I'm barely existing. Trying to detach myself from the distraught agony I feel every time my friends mention college because they're scooting farther than i could even fly. These are the thoughts that plague my being when I'm drained and destitute and wishing for a rest. this is what leaves me an apathetic shell. Failure, panic, frustration, anger. They drain me. Leave me out to dry and to fight on my own. But how am I supposed to struggle back to average if I was never there to begin with?
I know what you're talking about . I hate my anxieties... social, future, day-to-day, ugh. Makes you wish you'd never grown up sometimes and you could go back to the less cluttered, worried mind. you had as a child (I'm 18). And about how you feel when friends mention college and stuff - are you homeschooled/unschooled like me? I don't have qualifications and I feel so insecure about that, 'cause people judge. The situation hasn't worked to my advantage and I feel like a failure sometimes. I really want to succeed but my motivation has declined and I feel "left out" of ... something; it's hard to explain. I am going to try get a degree in the arts, but we have to move to our own house etc. before that can happen and my mum has psychological problems from an abusive childhood and everything's just so complicated.
ReplyDeleteWe're going to get there though, and so are you! Where ever 'there' may be. Anyway, thanks for writing this. x
Thank you so much for this! Personally, it isn't that I don't have the education to get to colleges, it's that I haven't the means. I have particularly rich friends, and they are going to exceptional colleges that I just can't even start to imagine because I'll never have the funds. I know I can get to college, it just frustrates me beyond belief that I can't go to a particularly good one.
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